Monday, July 12, 2010

MOTHER FUCK!!!!!!

TWO MONTHS AGO:

florida_1_beach

Ex-husband: "I'm buying a condo in Florida, then heading back to Beijing."

Me: "Really? (wheels spinning) What are you going to do with it while you're in Beijing?"

Ex-husband: (looking at me like, oh God, here we go) "Yes, you can use it."

Me: (happy, happy, happy) "Cool! Thank you, can I go for two months? I can do some oil painting while I'm down there."

Ex-husband: "Yes, I'd rather have someone living there than have it sit empty."

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So, three weeks later, my son and his father head to Florida in a U-haul taking all of his earthly belongings that had been in storage for over a year waiting for him to retire. I cannot wait to take a vacation. Two years ago, my mother died. I've been helping to take care of my father, who has dementia, ever since. My son finally graduated from college and I am free! My sisters will help take care of Dad and I am so ready to blow this pop-stand! The real estate market has taken a crap so, I started tutoring at the local grade school, finally putting my degree to use. I have the summer off. What luck! Destiny! Serendipity!

~~~~~~~~~~

TWO WEEKS AGO:

Phone rings...

Ex-husband: "Lois?"

Me: "Bob!" (still in hog heaven about going to Florida!)

Ex-husband: "I'm sitting at the closing and I can't close on the condo."

Me: "Why not?" (thinking, this can't be good)

Ex-husband: "I got married after I made the offer and they need my wife to sign papers."

Me: "You got married?"

Ex-husband: "Call Michael (my cousin the Real Estate Attorney) and have him call me."

~~~~~~~~~

Well, needless to say, things went south. Yes, my 67 yr old ex, Bob, married a 40 yr old Asian woman, who is sitting back in China waiting for a Visa. The builder allowed Bob and Zach to move his things into the condo before closing. During closing, the agent called a locksmith to change all of the locks. All of his earthly goods now sit in boxes in the garage and the living room waiting to be unpacked and he couldn't get back in to do so. Bob takes the papers back to Beijing, makes an appointment at the American Embassy to have them notarized and mails them to the closing agent.

~~~~~~~~~

YESTERDAY:

E-mails...

Shunnedexwife@shit.com: "Well? Did you get the papers signed?"

Exhusband@livingoutmyporndreams.com: "Yes, we got them signed and the closing agent has received them." (end of message????)

Shunnedexwife@shit.com: "Great, then I can go in August after I get Zach moved into his new apartment in Chicago. Thanks!"

Exhusband@livingoutmyporndreams.com: "No, you can't. I want to unpack everything first before anyone goes down there."

Shunnedexwife@shit.com: "Uh, you couldn't tell me this before? When are you coming back from Beijing?"

NO REPLY!!!

MOTHER FUCK!!!!!!


Who would have thought it would come to this?




11 comments:

  1. you are seriously, KILLING me!! I have tears in my eyes from laughing! and I'll tell you a little secret I was already working out how I would get you to invite me to join you on the beach for a few days, you know so that you wouldn't be too lonely... guess that makes me delusionalcyberfriendofshunnenedexwife@shit.com

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  2. Yes, apparently I was delusional too! ROFLMAO

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  3. Wow...I didn't know your ex was Woody Allen!

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  4. Timoteo, I didn't know either until about two or three weeks ago! LOL

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  5. Book, Lois, book! Write it now.

    Uneffing believable!!!!!

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  6. Just go anyway. And bring your 35-year-old boyfriend!

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  7. It's been Real!
    It's been fun!
    It's been Really fun!

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  8. write to exhusband@IamafraidtobewithawomanwhospeaksmylanguagebecauseshemightactuallygetwhoIreallyam.com and tell him you'd be REALLY HAPPY to unpack his stuff for him. Then show up with the 35 year old stud!

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  9. What a story!
    Hope it has a happy ending:)
    Involving someone handsome, generous, funny, rich, endowed, thoughtful and you of course!

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